When a pause means more than a moment in time.
A pause is an opportunity to take a breath, a moment. We pause in times of distress or before we make big decisions. The pause gives us room to be, space to live, time to take things in and survey the landscape. The pause is a gift. It is a reprieve we are given or a gift to ourselves. Time spent pausing helps provide clarity and encourages better decision-making.
Today, I will make the journey to our provider to determine if it is time for a pause for my beautiful daughter. For transgender children, the pause is all of the above and so very much more. The pause is just that- a pause. Though it is shrouded in extraordinary controversy and criminalization, it is simply a pause of the hormones. Hormones that will jettison them into the body that is disparate from their identity. The pause allows them the time to continue to explore their identity in a body that is not marching forward in pubescent defiance. To rest in a body that simply pauses where it is. This pause can change any time at the person’s request.
When the time is right for us, we can walk other paths, make future decisions. For today though, we ride up the road to visit the woman whose gentle kindness envelopes us when we walk into her room. Who discusses hard things with affirmation and hope. She is both the savior and tormentor, for she represents all of the things my daughter fears most- a body out of control that is changing into something she is not and the hope of help in becoming what she can be.
Together we hold hands in silence as my stoic, resolute hero disembarks from my car. Together, we wait to hear if it is her turn to pause. Especially when a pause means more than a moment in time.
If you are a parent, grandparent, teacher, or person who loves a trans child or person please visit my resource site Narwhal Magic Kindness. There you will find education, podcasts, and research. If you are looking to affirm someone in your life please reach out to me through Instagram or my websites.,I send our stickers to affirm trans people.
2 thoughts on “When a Pause Means More Than a Moment in Time”
Grateful that you share your journey with us.
[…] there is always this paralyzing panic of the perception of what is to come. It is painful to watch her fear a body that might betray her overnight. To change without notice. […]