Looking Back, Post 5

Looking back on what was possibly one of the darkest periods of my life. I wrote my cancer series when I first decided to start my blog. To clarify, I am not a writer who takes an assignment and writes. My words come from my gut. They are visceral. One Sunday I pulled out my cancer binder and began flipping through pages. Reading lab results, mammogram reports, and copious notes. Subsequently, this cancer series was born.

Meanwhile, looking back through the pieces and looking through photos of that time, I am struck. During the whole ordeal, I just kept going. Having three small babies means I had no time for cancer. I continued to coach soccer for my youngest, co-chaired Purse Bingo for our kid’s private school. I attended Mother’s Day celebrations at pre-school, fed my family, and registered for activities. Valentines were made and chore charts kept up with age-appropriate activities. Am I tooting my own horn? No. I am actually disappointed in myself.

I am sad for that version of me who didn’t get off the wheel and didn’t rest. Unfortunately, I can’t report that I am a better version of myself today. Ultimately, I still have a hard time saying no. Most recently I volunteered to be the score taker at my son’s high school soccer games. My husband just shakes his head and says, “really?”

My editor worries I will burn out. I wrestle with being a person who just cannot stop. I literally don’t know what to do with myself when I have nothing to do. Which is never. So it isn’t a problem. However, there are moments or times in our lives when it should be okay to release the wheel and let others take over. Is it a control issue? Do I feel like I am the only person who can do it “right?” I don’t know. 

But I recommit to continue writing and noticing things in my life. So here is my challenge for you: go into your saved photos, either on your phone or computer. Think of a really hard time in your life and scroll through your visual story. Ask yourself, did you take care of you? While you are looking back, I hope your answer is different than mine.

Driving to radiation
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1 thought on “Looking Back, Post 5

  1. Such an important message. Taking care of ourselves and sometimes letting go and letting others.

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